T-minus 19 hours (or something like that)...

At some schools (Carolina, Maryland) they like to celebrate big games by flipping over cars, lighting things on fire and getting tear-gassed and beaten by cops. I think that's really awesome. Seriously, I totally respect that. Though I have never experienced one personally, I think riots look like a lot of fun. Especially the looting. I hope to be involved in a riot one day.

Unfortunately, we don't do that at Duke. We like to leave the rioting to kids that go to state schools. Maybe we're too superior or have a sense of entitlement or something. Whatever. Anyway, instead of rioting, we have a tightly controlled celebration protocol. Instead of indiscriminately burning things in the middle of the street and getting tear-gassed, we have an agreement with the fire department. Basically, we get to have a Riot Lite.

Today, Duke's Executive Vice President and Student Government President took out a full page ad in The Chronicle, stating the "Bonfire Guidelines."

Here's a few excerpts from the letter said:

"We want to remind you about safety guidelines for basketball bonfires at Duke. Two years ago, the Durham Fire Marshal revoked permits following a bonfire that, in his view, had gotten out of control...

2. The bonfire must be contained within a 40-foot marked boundary and everyoen should remain outside the boundary.

3. Benches [we burn these huge wooden benches that fraternities build, partly for sitting and partly for burning] should be stacked horizontally.... Only two benches can be in the fire at one time. Do not put dorm furniture in the bonfire.

4. Periodically, the bonfire must burn down to a safe height...

6. Do not sit or stand on building roofs...

8. The use of any accelerant is prohibited...

Celebrating basketball victories with a bonfire is a Duke tradition. Follow these basic safety rules so we can maintain this tradition for years to come."

I know what you're saying right now, so I'll just point you to FACT #1 from my first post: Duke kids are giant dorks. Yeah, this whole bonfire thing is totally lame, especially the fact that select administrators stand on the Quad and watch the whole thing to make sure we're following the rules. And get this: They call themselves "The A Team." I keep waiting for Mr. T to tell me to stop burning my desk and adding three benches to the fire. WHEN Duke wins tomorrow night, I'm definitely burning my desk and the little hutch that comes with it. AND I'm going to sit on a roof pouring down lighter fluid into the fire. You just try to stop me, Mr. T.

You'll notice that I said WHEN Duke wins, not IF Duke wins. This is despite the fact that I asked a decent number of at least partially well-informed Duke fans who they thought would win and every single one of them (except two) said they thought UNC would win. And one of the two who said Duke was going to win said it while he was sitting outside in 36-degree weather waiting to get in to the game, and he actually said "Duke had better win if I'm going to sit outside and freeze to watch it." So I'm not sure if that counts.

Anyway, I did my own irreverent take on the Duke-Carolina game for The Chronicle Tuesday, listing six (ridiculous) reasons that Duke would win. Some moron Carolina fan apparently thought I was serious. You can see what he thought in the comments section. As a warning, it's not grammatically correct, so you might struggle a little bit unless you are fluent in Moron Carolina Fan-ese.

But I'll do that prediction one better. I am, right this very moment at 1:14 a.m. the night before the game, going to predict each of the major events that will DEFINE the Duke-Carolina game tomorrow. So without further ado, here it goes:

FIRST HALF

19:58, UNC 0, Duke 0: On the opening tip, Brandan Wright gets his braces tangled in Lance Thomas's jersey. One of the brackets is pulled away from his tooth, and the wire begins digging into his gums. Wright is prepared to play on, but his mother races out of the stands, declaring that she paid good money to get that mouth fixed and she's not about to see it ruined for a stupid basketball game. Brandan tries to explain to her that it's not just a stupid basketball game, that it's a really big basketball game, but she won't have any of that. She proceeds to grab him by his (overly-large) ear and drag him out of the stadium. Predictably, the Cameron Crazies chant "Brace-Faced Mamma's Boy!" Dick Vitale says something about each of them having an SAT score greater than 1463 or something. Dan Schulman shakes his head.

15:37, UNC 12, Duke 3: During the first TV timeout, Carolina guard Ty Lawson (who has scored 10 of his team's first 12 points by blowing past Greg Paulus and scoring) sees a fan in the upper deck waving what looks like a cheeseburger. Not one to turn down a cheeseburger, Lawson races up the steps looking for the cheeseburger, but the fan turns around and runs out of the seating bowl. Lawson chases him, but the fan manages to leave the stadium before the chubby point guard catches up. He tries to re-enter the building, but the Durham Fire Marshal tells him the building has reached capacity. When he tries to explain that he's actually playing in the game, the fire marshal looks at the 5-foot-11 Lawson and says, "Yeah, right. And I'm Michael Jordan. Good try."

3:57, UNC 36, Duke 24: All game, the Cameron Crazies have been riding Tyler Hansbrough for several reasons:
1. His name is an anagram for "He shor 'n ugly brat"
2. He travels every time he touches the ball.
3. He gets pedicures.
4. His tiny head makes him look like a dinosaur.
So Hansbrough is not happy about all that, and he's beginning to get really angry. Still, he's scored 15 points and grabbed 7 rebounds so far, so it hasn't affect his game. Then, he throws down a huge dunk over Brian Zoubek and goes into one of his patented over celebrations. But in doing so he pulls a muscle in his chest (or gets an ulcer or an aneurism or something) and falls down on the court. He is carried off, but he won't return. Zoubek (0 points, 4 fouls) gets a standing ovation. One enterprising fan starts a petition to get his number retired. Vitale says something about him having an SAT score greater than 1463 or something. Schulman shakes his head.

SECOND HALF

12:42, UNC 42, Duke 42: With Hansbrough, Lawson and Wright out of the game, Duke has roared back in the second half. But Roy Williams, wearing his hideous Carolina blue blazer, is just about to execute his patented "remove all of the players in the game and insert and entirely new line-up just to show the players you have out there exactly how mad you are at them," which he seems to do once a game. All of a sudden, a homeless guy walks into the stadium, slugs Roy-Will and takes his jacket back. Roy-Will is out cold, and the mass substitution never happens. Meanwhile, the homeless guy gets a standing ovation and is showered with cash by the fans at the game. As he walks out of the stadium clutching his spoils, he throws the jacket in the trash. He says, "Now that I have a few bucks in my pocket, I don't have to wear that homeless man jacket any more." Vitale says something about the homeless guy getting above a 1463 on his SAT. Schulman shakes his head.

0:57, DUKE 58, UNC 58. The game has gone back and forth all the way to the end. A couple of seconds ago, Josh McRoberts received an alley-oop pass from Paulus and slammed it home to tie the game. The Cameron Crazies are going bonkers. As McRoberts runs upcourt doing his patented McPoint, he accidentally pokes Reyshawn Terry in the eye. Terry goes down, and has to come out of the game. Vitale thinks that was "awesome, baby!"

0:29, DUKE 58, UNC 58. Duke gets a huge stop when Bobby Frasor, driving unimpeded to the basket, slips on the puddle of sweat dripped onto the court by Vitale (who will later explain that it was "hot in there, baby!"). He falls and is called for traveling by referee Teddy Valentine.

0:00, DUKE 60, UNC 58. With 0.6 seconds left on the clock, Duke gets a bucket when Gerald Henderson starts wheezing, faking an asthma attack. Henderson's best buddy Wayne Ellington rushes to his rescue, but Henderson just laughs at him. Meanwhile, Ellington's man, DeMarcus Nelson, has slipped to the basket, where he gets an alley-oop pass from Paulus. He flushes it down as time expires, and Duke wins. I later burn my desk and the hutch above it, get arrested but decide it was totally worth it.

When it happens exactly like that tomorrow night, remember where you heard it first.

Tomorrow, a REAL score prediction (maybe with actual basketball analysis thrown in there...), and my favorite Duke-Carolina moments of the three years that I've been going to the game. Also, XM radio: broadcasting live from what has to be at least the 8th-nicest city on the I-85 corridor, Durham, starting Wednesday at 6 a.m. on XM 144.